JSbu pens a heartfelt open letter to his angel baby

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a dad and most of KZN knows that I am the proud father of baby Zanda. Man, I cannot say his name without beaming with pride and smiling - the feeling is unmatched. I know what unconditional love is because of my son, and I now have a truly incredible appreciation for my mom and father, which I never had before until the day I, myself, became a parent. 

What many people do not know, however, is that I consider myself to be a father of two, to Zanda and Smanga. Smanga is not with us in the physical sense, but he is here with me and his mother in spirit always. This year marked the four-year anniversary of the passing of our angel baby. 

On Monday this week, my producer was discussing the show's weekly content with me and brought to my attention that today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Remembrance Awareness Day, a day that is used to acknowledge the grief of families who have lost their children prematurely during a pregnancy or immediately after. Unbeknownst to her, my producer, as well as my co-host, Stacey Norman, I had suffered the loss of a child that I still to this day grieve. It was not until the two ladies saw me visibly emotional that they realised that this day struck an emotional cord with me. 

READ: Chrissy Teigen and John Legend suffer a miscarriage 

After giving it much thought and getting encouragement from my team, I took the decision to open up and share a more vulnerable side of myself, one which I always try to keep away from the public eye. Growth is a beautiful thing, because you realise that these indirect forms of toxic masculinity, which insist that you show no vulnerability or true feeling, are absolute nonsense. 

As heart-wrenching as it is for me to relive these moments, I’m incredibly grateful that I have Zanda. It also makes me realise how much of a miracle he truly is. ⁣Miscarriage is so common, yet it’s not talked about enough. We had to go through our own healing (and we still are) to be able to talk about it, but the shame attached to miscarriage is heartbreaking. As a man, I have very seldom seen men talk about this unbearable pain. 

For my partner, she felt great shame as a woman. She shared with me that she felt less than a woman because she could not do something that she felt she was made to be able to do - bring a child into this world. My partner also replayed everything she thought she could have possibly done to avoid having a miscarriage, all things she knows did not play a part in us losing Smanga, but still allowed herself to carry that blame. 

For everyone that has or is going through this... my heart is wrapped around you and I am with you. I hope my sharing helps you heal or to find a safe space to just feel. 

To Smanga, my angel baby, I have penned this love letter to you: 

I want to start my message to you by saying that I love you and I miss the ideas and plans that I had in raising you to be the best human being possible. Smanga, my first born, not a day goes by without me thinking of what could've been. I had big dreams for you.

I remember the day I said your name out loud for first time and you kicked in your mother's womb, and that's when I knew you were destined to be football player... and I would've been that dad, shouting on the sidelines when other kids fouled you and, of course, cheered for you as loud as I could when you scored a goal... that's my boy. 

You would've turned four this year. You would be in creche by now and I would've been able to teach you how to say "Hi" to the girl you like. I also want to let you know that your brother, uZanda, will be reminded of you for as long as I live. He might not be the best footballer player, but I hope one day you will take time to play him in his dreams.

Let him score a few please, I don't want you boys fighting.

I am writing this letter to you because I want to remind you that I love you and will do everything in this life to celebrate every moment we had when you were in your mother's womb. Oh, by the way, daddy is famous. I made a song for you, it's called, 'Angel's Dance'. I hope you like it and when I play it at clubs, you better be dancing the most...

I'm not gonna take up much of your time cause I know you're probably having a great time in heaven. I will always love you and I just popped by to thank you for choosing me to be your father. 

Rest easy, my son. You are not forgotten...

To listen to a heartfelt discussion on loss with JSbu and Darren Maule, listen below:

For more from #Stacey&JSbu, check out past episodes below: