Anatomy of a Bully

More than 70 per cent of children worldwide are bullied on the school playground at some stage and it can have tragic, even fatal consequences.

In 2011 more than 40 bullying-related suicides were reported among primary and high school children in South Africa. 

Schools are adamant that they are intolerant of bullies and most have an anti-bullying policy. So why is this scourge still so prevalent at schools? 

There are signs that you can look out for, as a parent, if you suspect your child might be a victim of bullying. Psychologists say that most children will speak up if they feel what’s happening to them at school is unacceptable, but parents often brush this off and don’t take it as seriously as they should. So they suggest that parents look out for a change in behaviour, sleeping patterns, appetite, stomach aches, headaches, avoiding school, decline in academic performance and aggression. These, they say, are sure signs that your child may be bullied at school. 

In looking at this subject, I spoke to a number of children that are or have been bullied and the stories seem similar. They’re generally quiet and reserved and the bully sees this as a weakness and preys on this nature. 

But can we blanketly pin point what make s a bully, a bully? Until recently, psychologists couldn’t.  

According to an American developer and trainer Ana Filina, bullies are usually very intelligent people and appear normal, yet they have a hidden aggressiveness. They use their intelligence to aptly toy with people’s emotions. The most important thing that you need to know, she says, is that bullies do this because it makes them feel better about themselves, whether to raise their low self-esteem, to further their agenda or to satisfy their sadistic desires. They do it at the expense of their target because they don’t feel empathy, just like a psychopath. Their gratification is all that matters. 

“Serial bullies are obsessed with asserting dominance and control,” Filina says. “There is no mistake or misunderstanding: they know exactly what they are doing, even if they will invariably deny it when confronted. Once they are done psychologically destroying a person, they cool down for a few days or maybe a few weeks, and then pick their next target. They cannot stop and cannot be helped.”

She says that serial bullying is a compulsive behaviour. They do not want to change. They love being what they are.

Bullies manipulate people. They invent, distort or misrepresent events to fool people and to avoid consequences. They often manipulate other people into bullying their targets, and they even bully other bullies.

It’s not always easy to distinguish between bullies and assertive people. The main differences are that bullies will have no integrity, will be aggressive and demanding, will not respect people’s rights, and sometimes even disobey the law.

According to Filina’s report, Bullies will pick targets that make them feel inadequate. The targets will often be successful, creative, popular, competent, reliable, honest, etc. Bullies will envy them. They might even perceive that person as a threat that must be eliminated.

Targets don’t do anything to attract bullying. They are only guilty of being better in some aspect than the bullies, of outshining them. If you get bullied and ask yourself “why me”, tell yourself that it’s because you are everything that they are not. They can never become you, so they’ll destroy you instead.

Marc Hardwick of the Guardian in Durban runs a Whistle Blowers Program. This gives learners the ability to anonymously report transgressions within the school environment. This program has allowed the Guardian to identify everything from sexual assault to drugs but quite often bullying. Kids feel that they do not want to report the bullying as they feel they would be “burning” their school friends, although they are aware that was is happening is unacceptable. This program brings the power of anonymity.

Have you recognised these traits of a bully in your child? What have you done about it? 

You can email Terence Pillay at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter: @terencepillay1 and tweet him your thoughts.

Sources: 

afilina.com and  The Guardian