Expert advice on dealing with a colleague who has narcissistic personality disorder
Dr Lee Kingma, who holds a Doctorate in Human Resources Management, gives advice on how to deal with a colleague who has narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic personality disorder is described as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others, but behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism, states Mayo Clinic.
People who suffer from the personality disorder are not always easy to work with.
“Narcissistic abuse does not usually include forms of physical abuse with physical signs like bruises. The signs of narcissistic abuse are invisible, which makes it much harder to identify. The abuse is more ambiguous and difficult to prove, but it is no less damaging because it’s a form of spiritual rape. Over time, the abuse chips away at the target’s self-confidence and self-esteem. The target isn’t even aware it’s happening until the damage has been done. The abuse is always about control."
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- They think they know best and that their way of doing things is the correct way, which can be very challenging, especially in the workplace.
- They don't respond well to confrontation and can even twist the situation to put you in the wrong.
- The relationship feels one-sided, there is no resolution to the issue or compromise on their side, and they have to win arguments.
READ: What do you do when someone apologizes for something they've done repeatedly?
Healthline has described some of the common types of narcissistic manipulation as:
Triangulation - Someone using this tactic will try to pull a third person into your conflict, typically to reinforce their own opinion or position.
Gaslighting - Someone trying to gaslight you tries to get you to doubt your own perspective and reality, often by twisting facts or insisting things you remember didn’t actually happen.
Hoovering - This tactic involves attempts to reconnect, or pull you back into a toxic or abusive relationship.
Silent treatment - This behaviour becomes manipulative when someone purposely ignores you to control you or make you feel isolated.
Scapegoating - Parents who use narcissistic manipulation may place all the blame on one child they designate as a scapegoat.
Passive aggression - Indirect blame-shifting, sabotage, and sarcasm can all point to covert narcissistic manipulation.
READ: Eight tips to help you heal from trauma
We spoke to Dr Lee Kingma, who holds a Doctorate in Human Resources Management and a Master of Business Administration, on how to identify and deal with a colleague who has narcissistic personality disorder.
How can you identify a narcissistic colleague?
We need to guard against becoming self-appointed psychologists. In the ‘woke’ society, people are easily labelled as being narcissists based on the definitions given by ‘Dr Google’. Trained psychologists and psychiatrists study for many years to be clinically informed in diagnosing people with mental health issues such as narcissism.
However, when someone is very egotistical and only thinks of their own interests, we can suggest that this person has ‘narcissistic tendencies’. The best way to deal with this is first to have a courageous conversation where we factually and calmly tell the person how their behaviour is affecting us in doing our work. We listen to them and give them time to give their own perspectives. We then make a request of what we expect of them in a reasonable manner. If the behaviour persists and is negatively impacting us in how conduct our work we should definitely bring this to our manager’s attention. If the problem is still not resolved we should inform human resources and follow the grievance procedure.
Be mindful of not confusing social behaviour, which can be avoided, and behaviour which affects you we carry out work tasks.
How should one deal with such people? What are some of the boundaries that should be put in place?
People who display narcissistic tendencies should be avoided in our social interaction. No one can force us to spend time with people outside of the work requirement. However, if we need to interact and collaborate with someone who is unaware of their selfish tendencies, we should bring this to their attention in a courageous yet compassionate manner. If their behaviour is impacting our ability to perform our tasks optimally, we should bring this to the attention of our manager.
Our intention is not to complain or judge, but rather to seek support in asking for some mediation in creating awareness for the colleague with narcissistic tendencies in making them aware of the effects of their behaviour. We should also be realistic in accepting that it takes all kinds of personalities to make up a team and we all see the world through a different lens. This does not make someone a narcissist – but rather someone with a personality which might be over confident and demanding at times.
A true narcissist needs medical support – if their behaviour is abusive, we should focus on the behaviour and how it affects and take appropriate action. We should desist in becoming judgemental and labelling others.
More About Dr Lee Kingma
As a former HR executive at Juta Publishing for 13 years, Lee has coached and mentored employees in managing their careers successfully in dealing with the complexities of life and the world of work. She has consulted both in SA and internationally.
She holds a Doctorate in Human Resources Management and a Master of Business Administration. She completed professional coach training at UCT and is registered as a PCC coach with the International Coaching Federation. She is a published author of ‘What’s you Tribe – Using the Enneagram at work and life'.
During the last four years, she established her own practice, focused on leadership, resilience, and coaching at both executive and middle management levels.
Life Purpose
"To bring hope and clarity to my clients using my powers of resilience, humour, and life wisdom so that I, my family, and all whom I connect with may have more ease."
Recently, Lee has been supporting many clients virtually, both individuals and groups, within vastly different contexts, to ‘Cope while in Cocooning’ during the lockdown period due to the pandemic.
Image courtesy of iStock/ @LUNAMARINA